


he who plays god is (perhaps) a lie

by orphan_account



Category: Doctor Who, Doctor Who & Related Fandoms, Doctor Who (2005)
Genre: Angst, F/M, Mentions of Reinette, Season/Series 08 Spoilers, and alone, mentions of lorna bucket, missy is mean, the doctor is sad, the doctor kind of hates himself
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-02-12
Updated: 2015-02-12
Packaged: 2018-03-11 23:35:39
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 941
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3336953
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/orphan_account
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>all those years among the stars, and it has taught you this:</p><p> 1: the universe is dark and black and cold, the stars bring light<br/>2: all things come to and end (specifically stars)<br/>3: we are all fools in the end (you think you have said something similar like this before, to a girl with red hair, but now you are much wiser and much older)</p>
            </blockquote>





	he who plays god is (perhaps) a lie

**Author's Note:**

> So that scene in Death in Heaven where the Doctor goes to Gallifrey's old coordinates but finds nothing so he starts smashing the tardis console really got to me. Like it gave me serious feeeeeels man, serious feels.

_she lied._

 

you stand and look at the gaping hole of blackness that once held your home. the coordinates were wrong, gallifrey isn’t here. _she lied_. but you believed her. _idiot._

and now you’re standing here alone and hopeless.

_alone alone alone._

 

 

\--

she is young and beautiful and has golden hair. you call her rose. she calls you doctor. 

 _let’s run away,_ you say.

_where?_

_anywhere, anything._

 

she runs with you and you never want to stop.

 

 

\--

changing is painful, hard. but she’s there, so it should be easier. you are still young in this new face, this new body. young and daft and vain. her eyes scream at you to change back and it hurts both your hearts.

 

hide the pain and smile. _pretend and pretend and pretend._

 

_rose tyler, will you still run with me?_

she takes your hand.

 

 

\--

_a boy with a time machine that ran away to see the stars._

_a madman with a box._

same difference.

bye bye , not a glance back at the city in glass. it is time for the little time lord to see the stars.

 

you like the blue box. _tardis_. it’s a nice colour, old and sad. you like the name too, how it sounds right, rolling off your tongue. you like telling people this is _your_ tardis, _your_ bigger-on-the-inside box. you leave out the stealing part. all it took was one touch. a boy dreaming of the universe and a console that hummed and glowed that made him run and run away.

 

_a boy ran away with a stolen time machine and he saw stars and planets, galaxies and aliens, and so so so many wonderful, amazing things._

 

 

_-_

_his hands are red (with blood)_

_the tardis is blue (it’s a box)_

_donna is at home (the doctor is gone)_

_she asks ‘doctor who?’ (because she forgot)_

 

 

_-_

it's not fair. _not fair. not fair!_

idris is gone. she was here, she was talking. she was alive.

 

 _alive_. you never knew it was a sad word. maybe because you never knew she could _be_ alive.

_but she was!_

_you talked!_

_you kissed!_

_you fought!_

_then she died._

 

no, she is still here, just not _, alive._

 _please? come back? we have so much to talk about. all of time and space._ but it is still just you in the console room, and you know she will never come back. you were her thief, she was yours. 

 

 

 

\--

clara is impossible. always impossible.

you are the doctor, _you_ do the saving. but she saves you, and she dies. did she die for you? or would she have died to save someone else?

 

she tells you she believes in heroes. you scowl, because heroes aren't real. all of time and space, _there are no such things as heroes_. only idiots and beggars, villains that live too long, souls that aren’t saved, innocent lives too short.

 _and i would be the last person to be a hero, clara_ , you tell her.

 

the man with a beard and the gifts said she still believes in fairytales. you remember a girl from a fairytale. 

_amelia pond: like a name from a fairytale._

 

even _she_ left you. forever out of your reach. what is the point of your stupid snogbox if you can not even save the girl who waited? but you left rose. remember? _that was so long ago._ so maybe you deserve to have amelia pond ripped out of your life. now its even, square. maybe the universe will let clara stay now.

 

_you daft idiot, haven’t you learned yet, the universe doesn’t care?_

 

 

 

 

_\--_

you know this one thing;  _you are a lie._

 

people call you doctor, doctor, doctor. (lorna thought you were a warrior.) the man in a blue box, all of time and all of space. clara calls your a hero. but you are just a liar. a time lord with a name scattered amongst the stars. (river knew your name. river knew everything.) you steal people from their lives, then they leave you, or you leave them, (you left rose) and sometimes they die. (river died) people even wait their whole lives for a man that is just a lie. (lorna waited then died, reinette waited then died, amy waited and you came then she left and she died)

 

always, in the end, you are always alone _._   _this time, when clara leaves (which she will), i will find a cloud and never come down,_ you say to yourself.  _liar._

 

_\--_

you hate this new face. it has as many wrinkles as there are stars in the universe. you think clara hates it too. you want to be a good man, not an old one.

 

 _goodness has nothing to with it._ all those years among the stars, and it has taught you this:

 

 

_1: the universe is dark and black and cold, the stars bring light_

_2: all things come to and end (specifically stars)_

_3: we are all fools in the end (you think you have said something similar like this before, to a girl with red hair, but now you are much wiser and much older)_

 

 

_\--_

your biggest mistake was choosing to play god. _but i didn’t!,_ you scream. you were just young and foolish and thought you could be the hero that saves the world. _there are no such things as heroes_. you didn't know you would have to choose. who lives, who dies, why and where and how.

 

so now you are ancient like some planets and there is blood on your hands. _so much blood_. playing god means choosing. _you_ chose to end the time war, _you_ chose to be alone. idiot.

 

 

 

 

 


End file.
